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my love assasin
30 November 2012 @ 09:42 am
so i've just gotten a job at chapters. this is pretty cool i guess. they seem like a pretty decent group of people, and i like books. it is a seasonal position, they said it was mainly cashier work. i start training on monday.

it feels kind of sad to be starting over again. for several months i had been feeling extreme regret, or sadness. it is hard to articulate. i think i was in a state of mourning.

i know that what i was doing before was not me; i was not my job. but my entire life has changed so much in the past eight months. i look different. i am sober. but i still don't feel like i did before; i felt alive before. it was bright, effervescent, but somehow i knew it was shortlived. like an element on high; after you turn the stovetop off, you still don't put your hand on it because even though it has stopped glowing hot you know that it will burn you. it is the afterstate, the effects of use, the slow climb downwards.

i get that many people won't really understand how i felt. part of that is because i am unwilling to share. i'm not sure that this is an excuse to prevent forward motion. i feel like i have needed this time, almost like a hibernation, to meditate on what happened and the choices that i made.

some people say that i should find someone to talk to, or that i should open dialogue in some fashion. i can conceive of the benefits of speaking, and could understand that it would garner for me a certain amount of comfort.... but it is not always about comforting the self.

while i cannot say if my perception that that is not the path for me is a justification for self-delusion, i do know that throughout my whole life during every difficult period i have endured it alone, so this is what i trust. ultimately, i think i would engage in theraputic or psychiatric dialogue simply for curiousity's sake, rather than for any sort of closure; it would be interesting if only for the experience itself, an instruction of methodology and protocol as well as current systems of belief about how we view individuals and the collective.

there are times when i feel sad. so sad, that i cannot say anything. that to say anything, to try to admit to the depth and darkness of my feeling, would be pitiful and without authenticity. it would take me so much effort to try and describe this feeling when i am feeling it, that the ways available to me to describe it would be inadequate. i cannot accurately depict my state, because my state is compromising my ability to communicate.

i think that perhaps this is a form of compartmentalizing. using this term in the past, i have associated it with the ability to separate myself from my emotions, or at least to postpone them. i think in this way i also actively disengage myself from certain functions in order to concentrate fully on others. what i have recently experienced was a total cascade failure; so many sectors of my life evaporated, and even though i could predict it, i could not conceive of how fast it all disappeared.

my established methods of coping, my focus on work, a superficial network of friends, my body and self image, my equity, and my use of substances were taken away. luckily, i still had some family to support me during this time, and the few close friends i have are still somewhat curious about me -- these relationships, while a constant strong reassurance of my value, are somewhat easy to maintain and require little mentation on my part to cultivate. it allowed me to withdraw completely, and be with myself.

these are my first few steps out the door. i wonder what i will find.
my love assasin
25 July 2012 @ 03:21 pm
i'm getting fat. i think i've gained 10 or 15 pounds. while i understand this is not necessarily dire, and it is within my power to work towards a different presentation... i just have absolutely no motivation to do so. i want to eat some bread. sometimes at night i have snacks. i am not walking anywhere, nor do i feel like i want to. my clothes are getting tighter. i feel unnattractive.

but this also really leads me to beg the question.

i have all these feelings associated with my current state... based on a state i was in prior. i certainly felt better about myself before, my clothing wasn't bulgey in certain areas, and i could cross my legs more comfortabley.... but why was that important to me?

when i get right down to it, i waas trying to get fucked. i wanted to, as margarat cho so eloquently put it, get as small as i could... and then fuck as many people as possible, because i knew that that body was not gonna last.

but i didn't even do that. i would say i was generally happier and more confident, i had a higher feeling of self worth. all of these things made me realise that i didn't actually want to fuck all the mens (at least, not all the time). i felt i was more desireable, and perhaps to the hyper-shallow body-negative male population i was.

i came to wonder if the intertia of that feeling, the idea that i was only worth the amount of sex i could provide, was simply habit. i was a marionette who had acheived consciousness in the middle of a performance; my limbs would move of their own volition, and my entire being was moving in a direction that my eyes began to see as questionable.

so now i am in this place where, while i acknowledge i felt better about myself when i was eating better, when i had higher expectations of my personal appearance, and when i made choices that were smart instead of impulsive -- i still have no desire to do those things because part of the reason was derived from this ulterior motive that never really paid off anyway.

i have figured out that much of what i have been doing has been compromised by motivations like this, and none of it has paid off. so now i am sitting in my deserted little grotto, with a big question mark above my head, looking around at what i have left.

i have myself, and i am quite capable. i am able to negotiate most circumstances with balance and care; i have an attention to detail, and i am capable of putting others at ease in diplomatic and satisfactory ways. i try to project myself doing the things i used to want to do, and it is unsuccessful. it is a circle in the square aperture.

in the past i would have felt great anxiety about my present situation; i would have embraced shame as a means for coping. but all i feel is calm acceptance. i feel like everything that made me before has been used up, or corrupted, and now i need to start fresh. i need to find a space uncontaminated by the stench of fear and anxiety. i need to find a workspace that is productive and thoughtful, rather than reactive and consumptive. i want to be around people who are conscientious and supportive, not divisive and self-buttressing.

i don't want to forget. i want to use what i have learnt, all of the horrible things that happened around me and by me, all of the good things that i accomplished and saw other people accomplish, and build something.

when i think about that, i realise that i need to rewrite my code. i need to stop doing things for the reasons i did them before; if i want to look a certain way and feel a certain way, then i need to put myself on a track where those things are not driven absently by ghosts.

that is what i am feeling.
my love assasin
19 July 2012 @ 02:34 am
ok so i met like three mices today. it happened over about eight hours. i trapped them under the sink.

just to drop you in the mo', my lil'sis decided to breed her mouse nomine to my older sis' labratory mice... and dude that lady knows how to fuck cause she made 13 little babies. who puzzy is it? that is her'shhh.

anyway, after a few weeks we gotta seperate those little ones otherwise they follow their natural impulse to fuck and have babies....regardless of our capability to provide.

erin accidentially left the cage for all the lady mice open, so i have spent today slightly tipsy and tracking these ladies of the darkness..... i have found three of them. i think there are two left, at most. however i also am skeptical because we were missing two to begin with...

i am using the cats as my agents. they are very useless in terms of practical methods of acquiring rodents, but they are aware of them are and can track them quite easily, despite an apparent distaste to their entire presence.

should i ever want to create an international conspiracy against mice, it will be with the total banality of the disregard of the feline race. they seem to want only to go outside, and the rodents are a sidebar. hilarious.... except perhaps i have one missing member of this unit, and i need to find her.

in any normal circumstance i would regard a 75% percent conversion a totally positive ideal... but this is an actual little living thing that needs my help to survive. i will not rely on these pacifistic statistics regardless of how drunk i am.

ps. i have had a lot of tequila.

if you know how to make a mouse come to you other than attracting it with the excrement of her relatives..... let me know as soon as possible. thanks.
my love assasin
19 July 2012 @ 02:21 am
i just went on a quest to find my password.

so i fucking forgot what i wanted to post about.

yeah... whatever.
my love assasin
15 July 2012 @ 02:57 am
i guess it has only been about two years since my last journal entry. it seems like longer. i've forayed into other journal experiences but somehow this is just easier. it seems i have investment here.

today one of my closest friends got engaged. congratulations. i knew it was coming, but that does not negate the significance of the occasion. i am happy for her, and i think i am with her in that it hasn't really sunken in yet. i am sure it will have hit by the time we have a bachelor party. :)

i sat down to read my book just now and found myself preoccupied with something that occurred on my journey home from the celebration.

i was standing on the skytrain, and this young gentleman (younger than i, but old enough to vote) gets on a few stops after me. the train is quite full, but there is standing room and few seats around. i find the young man attractive; in that way that youth can be when coupled with the promise of aggression that musculature can convey.

i was positioned opposite the door this young man happened to be exiting when he reached his station. he stands up, leans against the glass and fully reaches into his pants and adjusts his genitalia. now, i am not just talking about a simple tug of the panties... this was a full waistband-up-to-the-lower-arm-scoop-and-redirect maneuver. the movement was such that i was unable to do anything but cogitate on the ample nature of his hidden appendage and speculate on its current state (resting, or active?), while detailed recreational suggestions rapidly made themselves evident in my minds-eye.

before this very graphic and completely involuntary experience assailed me, i was then granted full access to a view of his perfect looking abdomen as he lifted up his shirt for several seconds for no apparent reason. it was also revealed to me at this time that this individual choses to wear boxers and not briefs.

i was so perplexed by this apparent sexual display, while entertaining pleasant thoughts of testing power dynamics all over his naked person, i had the presence of mind to look around and perceive if anyone else was intended to be involved. i couldn't see anyone, and in fact the full train seemed completely oblivious to the point where i wondered if i had imagined it.

however, just before he left, he looked me directly in the eyes. i can only guess at my expression.

now, i wonder if it was simply a matter of him needing to adjust a cumbersome extension of his physicality, and airation of overheated flesh. but everyone in my cognition says that is not that case. however, i am also not completely without benefit should his complete lack of propriety could be related to focusing my attention; i could simply be horny and have wishful intent.

this is as far as my thoughts go on this. i wish i could ask the guy. i think i will try to find him.

also, upon signing in on my LJ after my hiatus i found some poems i wrote a couple years ago. coincidentally, at the salubrious events today, i had the pleasure to sit with a couple writers for a few minutes and discuss their experience of the craft before a horde of personalities descended upon our space and steered the discussion towards less esoteric matters. i postulated the idea that perhaps i am meant to write poetry instead of longer forms of literature, as it is more flexible in expression and the sentiment is constructed far more efficiently than longer works of literature, even if the time spent on the shorter prose is not relative to their mass.

this to me says i had actually assimilated this idea many years ago, and somehow misplaced it while preoccupied with manufactured distraction.
my love assasin
i am so happy to be spreading the word of the minaj around.
michael just left with some of her music on his pod, something i have been trying to accomplish for a while.

i am happy she is starting to be more prevalent with the gays.
that means, in just a couple years, all the commoners will embrace her for the glorious harajuku barbie she is.

the living situation is all fucked up.
i am kind of just... going day to day, and avoiding whenever possible.
she seems to be in a similar MO.

my paycheque has given me confidence. i don't feel like a street rat anymore.

my sister has the usual amensia and is wondering why i am not talking to her (because she is a bitch).

i like beer.

i don't like negative people. i react very strongly to negative emotions these days. i am trying not to make it an aversion, but i am just starting to not like that kind of juu-juu. what is with all these whiney people who don't understand that we are living on top of the world?

fuck those guys, i'm gonna go do my laundry, yo.
my love assasin
02 September 2010 @ 11:11 am
i think i am reaching my limit with people.

i have not had alone time in i don't know how long.

every time someone says something pathetic to me, i have to bite my tongue not to be overly nasty.

i am starting to feel like a caged tiger.

i just need to not have to talk about stupid things.
i just need to not have to help people process their stupid decisions.
i just need to not be surrounding by needy grabby emotional hands.
i just need to tear into some strapping lad with nice shoulders.
i just need to jack off.
i just need a cigarette.

i just have to take a breath, and move on.
my love assasin
21 August 2010 @ 11:38 am
i realise that for some obscure reason i surround myself with people who need constant explanations for everything, like those seagulls who always want food in 'finding nemo'.

whereas, my personality is such that when Something Bad happens, i really need to not have to explain it over and over again to people who seem to lack the ability to be mindful, or who cannot understand basic syntax or predicate.

this dynamic tends to cycle me down into Low Social Performance mode. my lens is skewed and all i can do is try and avoid social interaction. it makes me feel bad.

this could also indicate a vulnerability of my own, or rather a discrimination of when and with who i share my vulnerabilities with.

people are so needy. i'm a person, so i must be equally as needy.

do you ever meet those people who set up their life to over-enable vulnerability-sharing? it creates a false sense of intimacy that can be abandoned as easily as it is adopted. it also can fast-track into a codependence cooperative effort, something which really makes my skin crawl.

i think this is my trigger for sending my ability to share into escape velocity.

i find i'm much better after some time has passed. it has been a day, and now i am ok to talk to people.
my love assasin
20 August 2010 @ 09:16 am
visa took away all my money!
this is so frustrating.....
so i sent a letter to RBC.....

I understand that I have to pay my bill, however I do not understand how I can continue to work and pay my bill when I have no money for food. I just found that VISA removed the last remaining funds from my account because I am past due. There is nothing that can be done. Nobody can help me and everyone at your company seems to think I deserve to go hungry for the next two weeks because I am behind in my payments.

Additionally, I got to hear from Lucas, the employee who shared this lovely news with me, that I am paying my interac fees 'for no reason' and that I should switch to some kind of new payment plan for ten dollars and get unlimited interac.

If I am paying these extra fees 'for no reason' then why are you charging me? I have a suggestion -- use the money you charge 'for no reason' with the money VISA takes away from your customer accounts and put it towards labour hours to help train your staff in competent selling techniques. Perhaps a workshop on human connection would be beneficial as well.

This is ridiculous, and I am angry. As soon as I pay off this credit card bill, which looks like it will be soon, I am leaving your bank and never looking back.

20 August 2010 @ 02:07 am
This is awful I am typing this on my borrowed touch. I suppose in the bigger picture this actually demonstrTes the value of a hand held communicator when your ancient desktop decides to commit to the final equation.