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25 July 2012 @ 03:21 pm
work it harder, make it better  
i'm getting fat. i think i've gained 10 or 15 pounds. while i understand this is not necessarily dire, and it is within my power to work towards a different presentation... i just have absolutely no motivation to do so. i want to eat some bread. sometimes at night i have snacks. i am not walking anywhere, nor do i feel like i want to. my clothes are getting tighter. i feel unnattractive.

but this also really leads me to beg the question.

i have all these feelings associated with my current state... based on a state i was in prior. i certainly felt better about myself before, my clothing wasn't bulgey in certain areas, and i could cross my legs more comfortabley.... but why was that important to me?

when i get right down to it, i waas trying to get fucked. i wanted to, as margarat cho so eloquently put it, get as small as i could... and then fuck as many people as possible, because i knew that that body was not gonna last.

but i didn't even do that. i would say i was generally happier and more confident, i had a higher feeling of self worth. all of these things made me realise that i didn't actually want to fuck all the mens (at least, not all the time). i felt i was more desireable, and perhaps to the hyper-shallow body-negative male population i was.

i came to wonder if the intertia of that feeling, the idea that i was only worth the amount of sex i could provide, was simply habit. i was a marionette who had acheived consciousness in the middle of a performance; my limbs would move of their own volition, and my entire being was moving in a direction that my eyes began to see as questionable.

so now i am in this place where, while i acknowledge i felt better about myself when i was eating better, when i had higher expectations of my personal appearance, and when i made choices that were smart instead of impulsive -- i still have no desire to do those things because part of the reason was derived from this ulterior motive that never really paid off anyway.

i have figured out that much of what i have been doing has been compromised by motivations like this, and none of it has paid off. so now i am sitting in my deserted little grotto, with a big question mark above my head, looking around at what i have left.

i have myself, and i am quite capable. i am able to negotiate most circumstances with balance and care; i have an attention to detail, and i am capable of putting others at ease in diplomatic and satisfactory ways. i try to project myself doing the things i used to want to do, and it is unsuccessful. it is a circle in the square aperture.

in the past i would have felt great anxiety about my present situation; i would have embraced shame as a means for coping. but all i feel is calm acceptance. i feel like everything that made me before has been used up, or corrupted, and now i need to start fresh. i need to find a space uncontaminated by the stench of fear and anxiety. i need to find a workspace that is productive and thoughtful, rather than reactive and consumptive. i want to be around people who are conscientious and supportive, not divisive and self-buttressing.

i don't want to forget. i want to use what i have learnt, all of the horrible things that happened around me and by me, all of the good things that i accomplished and saw other people accomplish, and build something.

when i think about that, i realise that i need to rewrite my code. i need to stop doing things for the reasons i did them before; if i want to look a certain way and feel a certain way, then i need to put myself on a track where those things are not driven absently by ghosts.

that is what i am feeling.