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30 November 2012 @ 09:42 am
on silence  
so i've just gotten a job at chapters. this is pretty cool i guess. they seem like a pretty decent group of people, and i like books. it is a seasonal position, they said it was mainly cashier work. i start training on monday.

it feels kind of sad to be starting over again. for several months i had been feeling extreme regret, or sadness. it is hard to articulate. i think i was in a state of mourning.

i know that what i was doing before was not me; i was not my job. but my entire life has changed so much in the past eight months. i look different. i am sober. but i still don't feel like i did before; i felt alive before. it was bright, effervescent, but somehow i knew it was shortlived. like an element on high; after you turn the stovetop off, you still don't put your hand on it because even though it has stopped glowing hot you know that it will burn you. it is the afterstate, the effects of use, the slow climb downwards.

i get that many people won't really understand how i felt. part of that is because i am unwilling to share. i'm not sure that this is an excuse to prevent forward motion. i feel like i have needed this time, almost like a hibernation, to meditate on what happened and the choices that i made.

some people say that i should find someone to talk to, or that i should open dialogue in some fashion. i can conceive of the benefits of speaking, and could understand that it would garner for me a certain amount of comfort.... but it is not always about comforting the self.

while i cannot say if my perception that that is not the path for me is a justification for self-delusion, i do know that throughout my whole life during every difficult period i have endured it alone, so this is what i trust. ultimately, i think i would engage in theraputic or psychiatric dialogue simply for curiousity's sake, rather than for any sort of closure; it would be interesting if only for the experience itself, an instruction of methodology and protocol as well as current systems of belief about how we view individuals and the collective.

there are times when i feel sad. so sad, that i cannot say anything. that to say anything, to try to admit to the depth and darkness of my feeling, would be pitiful and without authenticity. it would take me so much effort to try and describe this feeling when i am feeling it, that the ways available to me to describe it would be inadequate. i cannot accurately depict my state, because my state is compromising my ability to communicate.

i think that perhaps this is a form of compartmentalizing. using this term in the past, i have associated it with the ability to separate myself from my emotions, or at least to postpone them. i think in this way i also actively disengage myself from certain functions in order to concentrate fully on others. what i have recently experienced was a total cascade failure; so many sectors of my life evaporated, and even though i could predict it, i could not conceive of how fast it all disappeared.

my established methods of coping, my focus on work, a superficial network of friends, my body and self image, my equity, and my use of substances were taken away. luckily, i still had some family to support me during this time, and the few close friends i have are still somewhat curious about me -- these relationships, while a constant strong reassurance of my value, are somewhat easy to maintain and require little mentation on my part to cultivate. it allowed me to withdraw completely, and be with myself.

these are my first few steps out the door. i wonder what i will find.