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18 August 2010 @ 09:53 pm
today i bought an indigo sweater.

it is long sleeved.

the neck resembles a v-shaped object.

i enjoy it immensely. lia, i think you would like it.

it rubs against my body with gentle tickles.
my love assasin
17 August 2010 @ 11:38 pm
i was promoted.

i start next week.

full time with benefits.

my love assasin
04 August 2010 @ 11:46 pm
so much is going on!

i'll talk to you about it later.....
my love assasin
14 July 2010 @ 02:49 pm
i'm having one of those days where i either feel nothing or feel angry.

i don't know what happened.

i am wondering if it is because i haven't had coffee.

amanda is trying to get me to use wordpress. she seemed enthralled in the word clouds.

i'm listening to eminem's 'the recovery'.

i'm going to the beach today.

i'm keeping the tv off these days whenever i can. i feel like its consuming me. i hate the kardashians. do you think, when they say 'reality tv', they really mean 'everything that is wrong with reality tv' and they just had to shorten it because everyone has two second attention spans? i often ponder this....

i watched 'defying gravity', aside from the excessive drama i was curious where the premise was going and what would happen in the conclusion. but they cancelled the series! i was also enjoying it because of laura harris, who i think is so beautiful and a pretty decent actress.

mmmm coffee is done....
my love assasin
06 July 2010 @ 11:46 am
its so beautiful out!!!

i have the day off!!!!

my love assasin
today at work, my boss said i could replace a shirt that got ripped while working with a new one! i just have to bring it in to exchange. yay new shirt!

i get tomorrow off.

i was being so good with my food, and then i ate all that bread. now i feel like a big flabby bread belly, and i'm running out of vegetables.

its sunny, so i think i will go out to get a little sun, and much needed beach time.

friday i am going for drinks with the ladies. dahlia is going to a lodge up north to make a ridiculous amount of money for two months, so this is kind of like her goodbye until then.

terrice was here, but i didnt get to see her at all. i miss her, but sometimes it just doesn't work out.

yesterday was the victoria pride parade. they changed the route this year, so it went right by my front window. i woke up to all the sounds of gay celebration. i didn't go to any pride events, or represent my fellow gays at all. i saw all these cute baby gays, though. i remember when i was that young and dew-faced. sigh.....

i'm starting to miss my vancouver people more. i forgot i was so insular before i left here, so i didnt make any more new friends and now i have to do all that work. bleh. i want to be able to just add water.

off i go!
my love assasin
yesterday i was talking to the ex. he was fired, and he has been lying in his bed depressed for the past two days. i wondered as if from a distance, is my morbid interest in his welfare motivated at all by harpy-like feelings of vengeance and mockery?

as a human mortal, i am as susceptible to these things as any other, so i am forced to reflect on why it would bother me if it was the case. upon overnight perusal of my options, i came to the understanding within myself that i didn't really want to see him anyway, so what would be the point of devising either schemes of revenge or missions of mercy. alas, finding out you care less than you thought you would is kind of a mixture of disappointment and fluttering optimism for the future.

i am going to try something.
i'm advocating relationships of value rather than ones in which we build value through expectation and approval.
i don't really know how this is going to look. i think maybe some people are uncomfortable in situations where they don't have properly laid out expectations.
this is also for myself, because i think that i try too hard for everyone's approval, and some people just aren't really worth it.

i'm listening to modest mouse. and also, weirdly, black eyed peas. i'mma be rockin over that bass treble.

i am trying unsweetened coffee. i am acquiring jasmin's taste in sweeteners, and am thinking i should decline that pursuit, if only for the economy of having a simpler cup.

yesterday i ate way too many noodles. and then i tried to make bannock. by the third batch, i think i had the heat and timing down... i really need some kind of salty fat though, like bacon grease. i tried to use olive oil, and it was passable but just not the same.

its really sunny out, and lovely, and i've rationalised not going sunbathing by admitting that i will be avoiding possible exposure to radiation harmful to my body. so i've been reading, and now i have to get ready for work. perhaps i will have time to sit in a patch of grass somewhere for a brief respite, like a city elf.

my hair is getting longer. i am having trouble figuring out what the concept is. it is kind of a big black blob on my head. oh well....

jasmin has been spending lots of time away from the apartment with her new boy.

i think i did something bad.

days ago, she had a freak out when she came home because she thought they broke up. i admitted to her that i thought their relationship was possibly a rebound, because she hadn't even broken up with her old boyfriend a day before she went on a date with the new one. i said that i thought she wasn't really as into him as she thought, and that there was a possibility that she was using him as a motivator to end her relationship.

usually, when it comes to things like this, i try to have a measured opinion and have thought for the possible repercussions what i say could have in the future, if only for myself.

apparently, jasmin was just having one of her drama moments, because now everything is back to normal.

so now i am feeling like she is avoiding me which actually isn't too awful, but i feel like i should say something, but i am kind of resentful and disappointed that i allowed myself to be included in this ridiculous drama.

i really don't care who she dates or doesn't date.
instead, in a mood for folly, i spoke hastily and was just saying what i said to make her stop feeling bad, and possibly to get her to stop talking about it (she talks about it a lot).
so i guess this entire weird situation is my fault, because i cannot properly delineate my boundaries.

honestly, i'm feeling a little too estrogenized. but i don't really want to be around any men, either. whats all this about? i am feeling antisocial. i am also kind of feeling like adventure. i want a boat that goes really fast, or things that make a mess. i want trouble ;)

oh speaking of antisocial, i got some library books! every summer i seem to find cool new sci-fi to read. hopefully that will happen soon :)

i am going to go to work and fold clothes peacefully for a few hours.
my love assasin
01 July 2010 @ 07:11 pm
today at work i ripped my shirt :( it made me really sad.

i haven't been eating meat. i saw a documentary (i'm one of "those people") on factory farmed pigs. the pigs were so cute and they looked so sad and unhealthy.

so i've been eating lentils, and other legumes.

i am trying to get more nutrients, so i have taken to eating more vegetables.

i'm feeling pretty excellent.

what is going on? i try not to think about how i am turning into a hippie.

i realise i consistently defend the underdog in most situations. i think it is a reaction to years of bullying in high school.

its canada day. it is one of the rare occasions in victoria when the white elite allow the rambunctious youth to preside over evening festivities. which means that everyone dresses slutty, gets drunk, and is generally uncouth. there are police everywhere.

this year it is kind of cold and overcast, so i think i will stay in.

i saw some kite boarding down at the beach the other day. it looked wicked fun. i want to try!

hmmmm nothing going on in the boy department. i think i need to advertise....

i'm feeling a little whipped by jasmin. i think i have been a little too accommodating, so perhaps we should have a chat....

i'm hungry.
my love assasin
22 June 2010 @ 02:37 pm
today is jasmin's birthday. she has gone up island with a gentleman friend.

i'm hanging out at the apartment. i'm having a cup of coffee while watching sex and the city.

yesterday i was telling lynn about my curious predicament.

while i've been here i've met up with a couple of my own gentlemen friends. well, not really very gentlemanly.

tyler, i met last summer when i was living with lantell. he works for icbc, and could only ever fool around at my place because i think he has roommates. he is kind of funny about things like that, so i think maybe he isn't out of the closet to everyone. we re-met on manhunt after he recognised me.

i always suspected he held back in our interactions, because whenever lantell left the room when we were fooling around tyler would get a little bit more aggressive. it was enjoyable, and i was always somewhat disappointed when lantell would come back into the room and tyler would start to behave.

more recently, we had an short occasion in his car. now he calls me whenever he wants to get off. once he was sitting right outside the apartment in his car. typically, his self-absorbed focus on sex would be perfect for me; i don't have to worry about actually caring, and our transactions are simple and clean.

jase, i met about a week and a half ago. he is a construction worker with nice big arms. he is really strong. he's pretty open and confident. there is this dynamic he likes, though, that i get kind of tired of. he likes to say whether i am a good boy or a bad boy, and i have to figure out what he wants me to do. it was fun for a little while. i don't think he thinks i am very smart, though.

anyway, this is totally what i was looking for in vancouver. i wanted no strings, guilt-free sex that wasn't mixed up in drugs or weird gay drama.

but i am totally unsatisfied! well, perhaps not unsatisfied. just not happy, and totally unmotivated to see these men again.

i think i want a nice obedient boy to dominate. where do you find those?

additionally, and very according to sex and the city canon, i am finding much more satisfaction in my friendships than my relationships with men.

living with jasmin is so different. i'm still figuring it out. its kind of like living with family. it has me confused, and still slightly cautious, like the floor might fall out.

i'm glad to be back in the city. i'm feeling positive about my work now, which helps a lot.

yesterday i watched an intervention documentary on an alcoholic man who has bulimia. it was interesting to watch, and a compelling motivator to make discriminating choices for your life. it was also fascinating because i have never seen a depiction of a man with an eating disorder.

i feel i should go out today, but i have nothing i have to do, and nobody to do anything with.
i am tempted to go down to the seawall and read in the sun.

tomorrow is my first paycheque, so i will be happy not to be totally impoverished anymore. i can buy some food.
my love assasin
09 June 2010 @ 12:47 pm
things are going well. i am getting more work. my living situation is adequate.

i am a pretty intelligent person, however i can be kind of slow on the uptake. slow realisation seems to be my habit, as my human sensibilities begin to assert themselves over the emotional throes of my ego.

you know that feeling when you suddenly see something for what it is, and its like you were living in an alternate reality? its kind of like all the walls on your house just falling down and you find yourself instead in a larger house. maybe the house where plato's chair is.

anyway, it is kind of devastating and liberating all at once.

but this time i have this strange feeling like.... i want to get revenge.

usually i am pretty ok when people screw me over. i use the basic human rationale of karma to modify my behaviour, allowing for human error and the organic nature of social interaction.

but sometimes people just really need to be taught a lesson.

i wonder if anyone has ever been successful at this.

most people, when i tell them, would probably roll their eyes and say 'you know that will get you nowhere... blah blah blah.'

i really don't need to hear puny human morality in the face of my utter humiliation and complete lack of dignity.

i probably won't end up doing anything except move on and try to be happy, because i know the reasonable voice in my head is saying that is the best most delicious revenge -- hopefully, somewhere in there will be a tall gallic warrior who will just fuck me and fuck me -- but i like to daydream about all of the horrible things i could do in order to share, even in part, how fully my face burns.

i need a nail clipper. i have talons suitable for the grasping of beady little eyes... but i think i should be more subtle. and its just starting to look tragic. and i'm having a hard time getting my facial moisturiser from the tub without getting it all under my nails.

things are well, minus the dark insatiable torrent of rage.

a couple days ago i found the perfect spot for yoga on the beach.