yesterday i was talking to the ex. he was fired, and he has been lying in his bed depressed for the past two days. i wondered as if from a distance, is my morbid interest in his welfare motivated at all by harpy-like feelings of vengeance and mockery?
as a human mortal, i am as susceptible to these things as any other, so i am forced to reflect on why it would bother me if it was the case. upon overnight perusal of my options, i came to the understanding within myself that i didn't really want to see him anyway, so what would be the point of devising either schemes of revenge or missions of mercy. alas, finding out you care less than you thought you would is kind of a mixture of disappointment and fluttering optimism for the future.
i am going to try something.
i'm advocating relationships of value rather than ones in which we build value through expectation and approval.
i don't really know how this is going to look. i think maybe some people are uncomfortable in situations where they don't have properly laid out expectations.
this is also for myself, because i think that i try too hard for everyone's approval, and some people just aren't really worth it.
i'm listening to modest mouse. and also, weirdly, black eyed peas. i'mma be rockin over that bass treble.
i am trying unsweetened coffee. i am acquiring jasmin's taste in sweeteners, and am thinking i should decline that pursuit, if only for the economy of having a simpler cup.
yesterday i ate way too many noodles. and then i tried to make bannock. by the third batch, i think i had the heat and timing down... i really need some kind of salty fat though, like bacon grease. i tried to use olive oil, and it was passable but just not the same.
its really sunny out, and lovely, and i've rationalised not going sunbathing by admitting that i will be avoiding possible exposure to radiation harmful to my body. so i've been reading, and now i have to get ready for work. perhaps i will have time to sit in a patch of grass somewhere for a brief respite, like a city elf.
my hair is getting longer. i am having trouble figuring out what the concept is. it is kind of a big black blob on my head. oh well....
jasmin has been spending lots of time away from the apartment with her new boy.
i think i did something bad.
days ago, she had a freak out when she came home because she thought they broke up. i admitted to her that i thought their relationship was possibly a rebound, because she hadn't even broken up with her old boyfriend a day before she went on a date with the new one. i said that i thought she wasn't really as into him as she thought, and that there was a possibility that she was using him as a motivator to end her relationship.
usually, when it comes to things like this, i try to have a measured opinion and have thought for the possible repercussions what i say could have in the future, if only for myself.
apparently, jasmin was just having one of her drama moments, because now everything is back to normal.
so now i am feeling like she is avoiding me which actually isn't too awful, but i feel like i should say something, but i am kind of resentful and disappointed that i allowed myself to be included in this ridiculous drama.
i really don't care who she dates or doesn't date.
instead, in a mood for folly, i spoke hastily and was just saying what i said to make her stop feeling bad, and possibly to get her to stop talking about it (she talks about it a lot).
so i guess this entire weird situation is my fault, because i cannot properly delineate my boundaries.
honestly, i'm feeling a little too estrogenized. but i don't really want to be around any men, either. whats all this about? i am feeling antisocial. i am also kind of feeling like adventure. i want a boat that goes really fast, or things that make a mess. i want trouble ;)
oh speaking of antisocial, i got some library books! every summer i seem to find cool new sci-fi to read. hopefully that will happen soon :)
i am going to go to work and fold clothes peacefully for a few hours.